Tie the Knot Or Not.
Tie the Knot? Or Not?
Most of us belong to a middle-class family. Looking back at our lives, I realize how daughters are treated differently than sons which didn’t seem like a problem back then. When you’re growing up, things start to appear a bit different than how you used to view them earlier. Suddenly your childhood favourite movies are regressive, your favourite songs are sexist, most of the jokes are just offensive and ignorance is not bliss anymore.
In most of the family settings, daughters seem a ‘burden’ or a ‘liability’. The usual presumption is that one day they’ll marry someone and they wouldn’t owe anything to you and vice versa. Given this backdrop, even though I am fortunate enough to have parents who don’t believe in this ideology, people around us would subtly keep telling them that this is the ultimate truth and my parents are living in a bubble.
One such real life incident acquainted me to reality. I remember my father struggling for my sister’s postgraduate admission and was enquiring about efficient solutions as I was yet to complete my education too. One of our relatives went all the way to advising my dad “Your responsibility was to give her just basic education; you’ve done more than enough by letting her pursue MBBS. She is eventually going to marry someone and use all of the money for herself and her husband.” Mortified by the advice my dad didn’t engage in a conversation with him further; I guess he is just tired now of having to answer such questions.
In a society where families treat a girl child as a burden, parents are not willing to walk too long with this so called ‘burden’. According to UNICEF, 27% of girls in India are married before their 18th birthday and 7% are married even before their 15th birthday ( https://www.girlsnotbrides.org/child-marriage/india/#:~:text=27%25%20of%20girls%20in%20India,brides%20in%20the%20world%20%E2%80%93%2015%2C509%2C000) . Our country seems to be unable to abolish the child marriage practice completely despite the effective legislations around the same. The legal age for marriage in India for women is 18 and men is 21. Although the significance of age may seem inconsequential to many, it demands some attention.
1) According to the law, women are allowed to marry after 18 whereas men need to be 21. This may seem to affirm the stereotype that men have to be elder in a relationship than women. It is legal for a thirty-year-old male to marry an eighteen-year-old female, but there are a lot of social and compatibility issues that are left unaddressed. Exploitation, dominance, domestic violence, creating a dependency, destroying her opportunities; just to name a few.
2) The law considers both genders to be an adult at the age of 18. Both genders can vote, drive, join the army, smoke legally, and do a hundred other things after they turn 18. So why does the legal age of marriage for men have to be 21? One of the reasons behind this may be that the society considers an eighteen-year-old woman to be healthy enough to bear a child, and considers a man to provide for the family when he is 21, as most of us Indians graduate around 21. It is difficult to be financially independent at 18 what with a majority of organizations having graduation as a qualifier criterion. This affects both the genders as the society decides the roles of the wife and the husband and not them.
3) In India, marriages where the wife is elder than the husband are looked down upon. It is the societal mindset that it is fine for men to be elder than a woman in the marriage but the women need to be either of the same age or younger than their partner. Creating awareness and acceptability around compatibility of partners as against age norms and religion can be a start.
Equality begins at home. If we cannot ensure basic equality for women in a marriage, then achieving equality in the society is a very distant dream. The legal age of marriage could be anything between 18-21, but if it is not going to be the same for both the genders, it feeds the perception of age difference in the favour of men.
Women from different castes like the Dalits or the Brahmins face different problems. Women from different social class like the upper class, middle class or the lower class face different problems. Women from different religions face different problems. Women from different regions and cultures face different problems. Women with different sexual orientation face different problems. All of the aforementioned issues are equally face by the male community. In a country with so much diversity, it is difficult to find a single answer to any question of discrimination. Diversity is incomplete without inclusiveness and our country that is so rich in its heritage can stand to gain a lot if it allows and facilitates cohabitation in equality and peace.
Our culture and society keeps showing subtle hints of patriarchy in even some of the most elite and learned families. Patriarchy is a social system in which men hold primary power and predominate in roles of political leadership, moral authority, social privilege and control of property. In today’s times, we need to have a conversation on how these gender roles affect everyone and creates boundaries for both the genders. Patriarchy tells a man that he needs to be capable enough to take care of his family financially whereas the woman’s only priority should be ‘chulha chauka’. A switch in the gender roles, where the woman takes care of the family financially and the man looks after the household chores is frowned upon by the society. Patriarchy inherently places men in the position of power but what men fail to realize is with more power, comes more responsibility. In a wider picture, patriarchy benefits no one. It only leads to oppression, anger and frustration of both the genders alike, although the forms and extent of it may differ. In my opinion, two extremes can never be as happy as two equals can be in a society.
Women need to be encouraged from their childhood to lead a fulfilling life as against training to comply with gender defined roles. Girls need to be taught about financial independence, self-defense, assertive communication, effective leadership and management and cohabiting with the other genders. Women are a burden to those who restrict their self-actualization. It is important that we teach our daughters to take care of themselves rather than being dependent on their husband as it will also empower them to look after their biological parents if need be. Women are more than just a daughter or a wife or a mother, women are also dreamers and achievers and ‘together’ is the way to go.